So many times I'm asked why I chose Buddhism and after giving the same answer millions of times over, I decided to explain myself better here. Mind you, I may ramble and run off on tangents, but I'm going to try my best in explaining my religious choices.
Growing up, I knew nothing but Roman Catholocism. I was born into it, Baptized into it, received my First Communion and Confirmation in it and was even a Eucharistic Minister and Lector at my church. But I was always different for one simple reason: I always had questions.
Now there's nothing wrong with asking questions, in fact, I encourage everyone to question what they don't understand, but every time I had a question, I was told, "Because God says so. It's in the Bible. Know the Bible and you will have your answers." I've read the Bible front to back many times since I was a child...and no matter how many times I read it, still I received no answers.
My questions were innocent enough and always revolved around that which I didn't understand, but no one wanted to answer them. Because I had unanswered questions I started doing my research on religions. Let's remember that I'm very fortunate in the parents I have because they've always encouraged education and learning, so when I told them my problem, the first thing my father told me was, "I suggest you do some research." My parents are Roman Catholic and open-minded, so thankfully, I was raised the same way.
I've always been the type to wonder why things are the way they are. I'm naturally a curious person. Having realized my curiosity was running rampant, I went to the library.
"Why on earth would you drop your head in a book when you have all of the answers at your fingertips online, Monica?" The answer is simple: reading it in a book helps me connect better with what I'm reading rather than scrolling through a Google search and picking the article that pops out at me.
In any event, I went to the library and piled my table full of books on religion. I studied Catholicism, Wicca, Hinduism, Shinto, Folk Religion, Protestantism, Lutheranism and even Judaism. If there was a book for it, I read it. However, out of the numerous books I read, I still didn't have my answers. I was stumped in a way I've never been stumped in my life. Every time I needed answers, I could always find it in a book. To my annoyance and frustration, I received no answers and soon found myself on a quest for the truth.
The days turned into weeks, months and then 2 years. Still no answers. Then I realized I needed to get a grip on my life. Because of my divorce, I let depression sink in and lost my will to go on. I had finally admitted I was an alcoholic and knew I needed to get clean as soon as possible. My life was spinning out of control and I knew if I didn't get help fast, I would be dead within a year. My life had come to revolve around pills and booze and I hated it. I hated the world. I hated my life. And I hated myself.
After going to my first AA meeting, I realized I needed to reevaluate my beliefs and goals in life. I needed to find something that worked for me and not against me. All my life I dealt with a religion that taught me to fear God and his wrath. But I didn't fear him. I feared what I didn't know. I feared my own wrath. I am the only person in this world that can harm me the most. I learned that first hand with my self harm techniques such as drinking, pill popping and cutting. And none of it was working. So I knew I needed something else.
One day as I was driving to the store, I decided to make a detour to the library. I don't know why it popped into my head at that exact moment, and to this day I don't know what lead me to that certain book shelf, but as I walked into the library, my feet took me to a book shelf I hadn't checked out the many times I'd been before. I never bother to browse book shelves for recipes and such, but this day I did. As my feet stopped in front of it, my eyes dropped to the very bottom shelf and saw the corner of a book peeking out at me. I bent down to grab the book (my OCD wouldn't let me leave it just sitting there without putting it back where it belonged), but as I picked it up, I noticed it was a book on Buddhism and NOT recipes.
Wondering what in the world this book was doing in this section, I turned it over in my hand. Staring out at me was the most peaceful, loving thing I had ever seen. It was the Buddha softly smiling at me with such love on his face. And I could hear him telling me, "Read the words that will help you in your time of need."
Without thinking, I walked up to the librarian, gave her my info and checked out the book. I didn't even make it to the store. I went straight home and holed myself up in my bedroom. I didn't leave my bedroom until I was done with the book either. Eight hours later, I emerged a new woman. I now had my answers. I now had my possibility of peace. I honestly didn't know how to react to this for fear of not retaining what I had learned, but I knew this was a turning point in my life. I knew things would start looking up. I knew my life wasn't a waste.
I discovered that life is suffering, but only if we allow it to be so. We can change our thoughts to what they need to be and that in turn changes our life. We can end our suffering. To end suffering, one must cut off greed and ignorance. This means changing one's views and living in a more natural and peaceful way. It is like blowing out a candle. The flame of suffering is put out for good. Buddhists call the state in which all suffering is ended Nirvana. Nirvana is an everlasting state of great joy and peace. The Buddha said, "The extinction of desire is Nirvana." This is the ultimate goal in Buddhism. Everyone can realize it with the help of the Buddha's teachings. It can be experienced in this very life.
My greed was my need for constant inebriation and doing anything that could harm my body and soul in order to numb my emotional pain instantly. I wasn't worried about how it would affect my family and friends. I was only worried about myself. And that was increasing my suffering. I had a hand in my life being the way it was because of my own greed. I CHOSE to do it. And I had the choice to STOP it.
As I continued to read, I discovered that meditation isn't something only "hippies" do. (Yes, I admit my ignorance.) I learned how to use meditation as a tool for finding inner peace. A very simple way of meditating is concentrating on your breath. The breath is like a bridge between your body and mind. When you concentrate on your breath for a while, your body becomes relaxed and your mind becomes peaceful. I learned to cross that bridge and find a new life. My first attempts at meditation were mediocre at best. After all, it's not something you can perfect in just a few sittings. It takes time, practice and dedication. But after several sessions, I discovered myself floating toward my new life.
It was in that moment that I realized we can't make our perfect life come to us. We have to go to it ourselves. I could feel my soul pulling toward something brighter, something beautiful and something perfect. Meditation sessions became more fulfilling and my life was looking brighter. I now understood our mentality is a huge part of our happiness, or lack thereof. My outlook was positive. And my future was encouraging.
"Monica, how is anything you've written so far in any way explaining anything about Buddhism?" That's the beautiful thing - everything I've said does. Because the Buddha knew what was in the hearts of children and human kind, he taught everyone how to live a happy and peaceful life. Buddhism is not learning about strange beliefs from faraway lands. It is about looking at and thinking about our own lives. It shows us how to understand ourselves and how to cope with our daily problems. I didn't know how to cope with my problems, but now I did.
The Buddha never claimed to be a god and he never asked for others to worship him. When asked if he was a god, he simply replied, "I am no god. I am awake." He chose to open his heart and his mind. I'm not saying other religions do not encourage this. All I'm saying is that Buddhism is what helped me open my heart and mind. I received my answers through Buddhism.
Now I'm sure after all of this writing you're still wondering what my questions were in the first place. It's simple. I had two questions: What is the reason for religion? and Which one is right for me? Religion isn't for everyone. Some people don't practice a religion at all. And to me, that's perfectly fine. I refuse to look down on someone because they don't believe in God or don't attend church on a regular basis. This is their choice, as I discovered we have choices. The basic teachings of Buddhism teach
us to love everyone. We Buddhists are encouraged to love one another whether others practice Buddhism or not.
Keep in mind that Buddhism is more than just a religion - it's a way of life. We don't just practice it on Sundays or when we need "help". We practice it every day from the moment we wake to the moment we fall asleep. It's every waking moment of our lives because we're all trying to reach that same state - enlightenment. To me it is a philosophy. Philosophy is the flower of human intellect. It is reasonable and civilized. At worst, philosophy incites mild arguments over coffee and desserts. It encourages us to open our minds to other beliefs. This is what happened to me. My mind was opened. I was able to see outside the box.
What is this blog coming down to? Including my incessant rambling? It's simple. Buddhism has taught me to love everyone and everything. I don't just worry about myself. I don't stay one-track minded. I've opened up my thought process and learned to see the world from a broader side. Never did I think that 7 years after finding sobriety I would be where I am today. I never thought my life would have turned out the way it did, and I am eternally grateful for finding this way of life.
Because I now love everything and everyone, I have in turn learned to love MYSELF. That is the whole point. We must love ourselves. We must learn to use what we are and what we have and work with that to improve it. We can always use improvement. To this day I'm always working on improving myself. And this is how it should be. Always. I'm not bashing Catholicism, Christianity nor any other religion for that matter. I'm simply stating how Buddhism works for me. I admire the world's religions, but have chosen my path. I believe we should all choose our own path. Don't follow what society dictates. Follow what your heart desires. It may just be the best decision you ever made. To better emphasize this, I'll leave off with my favorite quote of the Buddha's:
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha
